A Baby Changes Everything

Friday, April 27, 2012



Why is it that the moment you get married, people want to know when you are going to have a baby? I mean, do they seriously think you are going to pull the goalie right away and give away your newlywed rights? No. At least not for us. I guess I just don't get it and probably never will, but why is it okay to badger a newly married couple about when they are going to start a family? The funny part about this, is that the people who are asking us are not even close family or friends. They are people I barely know and people that don't understand my life at all.

I don't condone having a baby right after when you get married, but really, I think every couple can benefit from having "personal time" before they expand their family. I know many family members, friends, and bloggers who chose to start families right away, which is great for them and I am enjoy reading about their new chapter of life. But, it's not what we want and it's not something we are thinking about anytime soon.



I like this quote from Ellen (can you tell I love Ellen?). When people ask her if she and Portia are going to have kids she says, "You know, Portia and I really thought about it, but we have too much breakable glass in our house." Can I just say that as selfish as this sounds, it's so incredibly true? I mean, I think Joel and I are definitely thinking this way right now. We enjoy our free time, time together, and sleeping late mornings way too much to even think that we could handle this right now. We have so much we want to do before we expand our family. I mean, Joel and I love to travel and we want to go to Africa and Egypt...that's no place for a baby or expectant woman. You see what I mean? My priorities are not in line yet at all.

Now, I know your next question. Accidents. Yes, I know there are "accidents" all the time and your probably thinking we'd never be able to handle it if it happened, but that's a lie. Joel and I talk about children seriously, almost tri weekly (is that a term?). But really, we do. We always are talking about our future and what we will do if something "out of plan happened," and trust me, we'd take anything God hands us and be grateful for children no matter when they are given to us. Am I convincing you that I'm not crazy?


My next point, Baby Fever. Yes, I have it, all the time actually. I can tell the difference between a Bugaboo and a Britaxx. Plus, pinterest doesn't help one bit. I mean come on, they make having a baby look glamorous! I like looking at baby sites quite often. But, I think it's completely natural of all women to do so. Many won't admit it, but they know more about babies then they probably lead on. For instance, I find myself youtubing water births quite often because I am bored and curious. I am naturally excited for this day. But, I can tell the difference between something that is infatuated and something that is real. And believe me, I can snap myself out of this thing real quick!

Although I am curious about a baby and envision my life with one quite often, I know that I would not intentionally have one right now. In case you are new and don't know, but my husband is in medical school and I am the only one working (hello breadwinner!) Even though financially we would not want a baby, mentally we don't want a baby. A baby is a huge responsibility and you are dedicated this child for the rest of it's life. And also, even though you say you want ONE baby, sometimes people get THREE, FOUR, and FIVE babies. That's not something I want to play with right now. Especially since twins run in my family, and I'm basically the last family member who hasn't had twins yet, it's like expected of me, okay. My mom had two sets of twin brothers!

This was one of my longer posts, are you still here? If so, thanks for reading. Your really do rock, if you read the whole thing. So, a huge thank you !

55 comments:

  1. People are OVER THE TOP when it comes to asking personal questions about babies. Once you do decide to have one, be prepared for an ambush!! Not kidding, I had people at the grocery store asking me about Baby #2 when my son was 2 weeks old!!!

    If it works for you, I am all for having some quality time as a couple pre-baby. We were married for close to 2 years before le bebe arrived, and it was a wonderful time. I'm thrilled to be a mama now, but I wouldn't have wished for it any other way.

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  2. Isn't is the most annoying thing ever?? But coming from a small town... that's just how it happens. You marry young. You have babies immediately. There's nothing else to do. But guess what!! I left that small town. I don't have to play by your rules ha :)

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  3. So with you! We are newlyweds and grad students and we get asked that all the time. Really? Where do you think we have the money to buy diapers?! Someday, maybe. But I like my life as it is now and I'm good with being a puppy momma for a while :) Let's just pray an accident doesn't happen any time soon!

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  4. MAN do I love this post! We've been married a year now and we get it all the time! too much breakable glass for sure.

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  5. I got married in June 2011,and people asked that before we were actually married. It pisses me off. I'm 26 and my husband is 23. We are newlyweds, not ready, and don't want one right now. I have things that I want to do and establish before I have a baby. Plus, people still ask to this day and my hubby is going to deploy. It's going to kind of hard to be pregnant if he isn't in the country lol. I don't have a baby fever and have no idea what a Bugaoo or Britaxx is lol. I don't know when I'll be ready... Maybe at 30? I think it I so weird to see people my age having two or three kids.

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  6. i love this post! its right up my alley. a lot of my friends got pregnant accidentally at a young age. Most of them got married and are on their 2nd child by now (I'm only 25!) My parents were married from 18-28 years old before have their first baby. then waited 5 more years for me! people ask us ALL the time and it drives me crazy! my answer is usually (as selfish as it sounds) i really like my sleep and my money! lol!
    i'm from such a small town that we are the abnormal ones that went to college, got married, moved away and bought a house, then started careers. a lot of my friends are stay at home moms and don't understand either!

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  7. I'm with you on this one! We want to wait at least a few years before we think about having kids....its the only time you'll ever have just the two of you!!

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  8. I love this! I'm not even married yet (this weekend) and my in laws have been pushing it over and over for the past few months. I'm 32 and I understand I want to have kids sooner rather than later but seriously I love my kid free life and if it happens it does but no planning here.

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  9. I know what you mean! I hated when people asked that when we first got married! Enjoy this part of your life sister!

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  10. I feel like I could just copy and paste this post on my blog. The people I work with are the worst! I love my coworkers, and many of them came to my wedding almost 2 years ago but I am not ready for the work baby shower. Anytime I have to have a sub, the first question, is are you pregnant? NO!

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  11. I totally agree.
    Quit with all the pressure, man!
    Whatever happened just enjoying where you're at?

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  12. I so feel for this. Since I'm in medical school I not only get the "When are you going to have kids?" but the "You'd be crazy to have them during X time period." Why must people be so vocal about when they think I should or shouldn't have kids. It boggles my mind. I'll have kids when I damn well please (or when God damn well pleases because we all know He's the on in control) and other than that just let it be.

    Making a mental note of this for when I'm a mom and my kids aren't popping out the babies as quickly as I'd like. :)

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  13. I absolutely love babies but I'm in no way ready to have one. Especially right when I get married. I'm an adult but it is a completely different and HUGE step to bring another life into the world. I cannot wait until I'm actually ready but until then...I will just spoil my nieces and nephew! :)
    -Anna
    asweetsouthernmess.blogspot.com

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  14. You do a really good job touching on all the points of this complex thing! We luckily haven't really been badgered by people, and thank goodness, because I'm not sure I would handle it well! I'm so glad that we're going to have this time with just the two of us, but everyone does things at their own pace. I'm definitely going to need a few years before we can start seriously thinking about it!

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  15. Thank you for this post. I've had baby fever for a long while now and my husband, who is a resident, isn't quite ready yet. All the blogs, facebook statuses, pinterest links don't help and actually feel like peer pressure, encouraging my baby obsession. Thank you for putting in some perspective for me, at least for the time being. :)

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  16. HUG!!! It all makes sense, we all have to do what is best for us... ;) xoxo A-

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  17. I think this is a great post and you really touched on all the concerns. It's definitely a big step and you need to be as ready as possible :)

    But just wait until you have one, it doesn't stop. C is only 5 months, and people are already asking when we'll have another. Seriously?

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  18. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Everything that you said is SO true!! I am honestly sick of people asking us when we are going to have a baby!! AH.

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  19. I think your baby fever is normal. I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend some time as a newlywed and enjoying it! God knows once you have kids it won't happen that often so I say. Love every second of it, sleep in whenever you can, have a blast then when you feel your ready go for it!!!! There is plenty of time to start a family!

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  20. It always excites me when other people see this the way I do...hubs and I definitely don't want kids yet. We're enjoying our time together. We take off on vacation at the last minute, take unplanned midnight dates to Waffle House and so many things that we couldn't do with a baby. And plus, I know I'm not ready...I always tell people that my litmus test to see if I'm ready for kids is "the diaper-shoe test." I'll know I'm ready for a baby when I would prefer to buy diapers over shoes. To date, hasn't happened! Thanks for talking about this! It's such an expectation to start having kids right away that nobody gives a thought to all of the amazing reasons to wait!!

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  21. We are on the exact same page. The hubby and I have been married for almost two years now and we are just enjoying our time together. I definitely have baby fever. I even have a pin board labled "someday" that is full of everything baby related. A couple of weeks ago, one of our friends asked if we were thinking of having a baby anytime soon because of my pin board and I just wanted to say "it's called 'someday' for a reason". I've found the best answer to the ever popular "when are y'all going to have a baby" is simply "when we are ready", but sometimes I joke and say "not anytime soon. We're not done being selfish yet". Besides, when I have children, I want to be a stay at home mom (my dream job. seriously!) and with the hubby in med school I don't know how that would be possible, but that's a whole other story for another day! :) I always look at it this way: we have the rest of our lives to have babies.

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  22. This is so very true! People ask us this question all the time too =)
    How funny!! Thanks for sharing!
    Much Love
    L

    allglorious-within.blogspot.com

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  23. I loved this post!! Had me laughing all the way through. I, like many others, am a newlywed and wholeheartedly believe that the first year of marriage is just for the two of you (if not more!) But my MIL thinks differently. She's been onto my hubby for years, even when he was single. She makes it quite known that she wants to be a Grandma. And of course had to tell me the morning of my wedding, that twins run on her side so to not be surprised...LAST THING I WANTED TO HEAR RIGHT THEN!!!! I, like you, am too selfish and like my sleep too much to have a baby! Thanks for writing such a great post!

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  24. i've been married for {almost} two years and we get the question all the time... honestly... i have baby fever, too. and while i would be happy if i were to get pregnant right now... i have a couple of things i want to do before i have a baby {lose weight, have a job i love, and buy a house... to name a few}. and while that may sound selfish to some... but i also enjoy the fact that the hubs and i can do things spur of the moment. we can eat at nice restaurants and go on trips whenever we want to.

    i just think its so rude of people {who are not your close friends and family} to ask you these questions. what if {heaven forbid} you were having trouble getting pregnant and it was a sensitive subject? i just think its very insensitive.

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  25. I'm still here because I understand. When I was recently engaged, after a week of being engaged people ( non close friends as well) asked me when I was planning on havings kids.. Like really? Let's me be happily engaged first, then happily married. I agree with you about enjoying your time because we love our freedom. Enjoy it!!!

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  26. Twins...oh no...watch out...you just might be the lucky couple one day! In all seriousness, you and Joel need to spend time as a married couple. Ross and I were married for 5 years before we had kids. Being a mom is the greatest thing, but it also changes your life in every single aspect. I don't think anyone is ever "ready" to start a family, but you will know when the time is right for you both...unless that special accident happens. :) So enjoy your time together and do and see all that you can before having a little Britt or Joel running around!
    xo,
    Giveaway @ Because Shanna Said So

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  27. Thanks for this post! I am single and have no plans to get married or have a baby anytime soon but I want to be able to have that time with my husband before we add a baby to the mix! A lot happens in your first two years of marriage! Another point that I want to add to your comments about babies is that what if the couple does not want to have children?? My best friends are getting married and they do not want to have kids. at all. ever. You enjoy your time being married :)

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  28. i LOVE your input on this. im not married but pretty much all of my friends have gotten married in the last couple years and almost immediately got pregnant. "to each his own"...but i definitely agree with you! also, a long post every once in a while is still appreciated by readers!

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  29. Read the whole thing! You got your point across so well in this post! It's totally okay to just not be in the right mindset to want a baby. You can be selfish and have time to your husband for a while, travel, and see the world :)

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  30. Thank You Thank you for posting this Britt! My hubby and I feel the EXACT same way!!! Seems like everyone is announcing pregnancies these days... I see 1 -2 on facebook a week... this week, Ive seen 4! I have baby fever too, but I think its the infatuation. Seeing everyone else experience this makes me want to as well... but we know we arent ready to give up our freedoms yet! And yes, we would welcome an "accident" if it were to occur, with open arms, but we are darn well making sure we are taking precautions to prevent the accident! Thank you for making me feel normal for my thoughts and feelings and thank you for helping me realize there are more females out that who think like I do than I thought! xoxo!

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  31. How happy I am to find a newly wed couple that feels this way. I feel like I can never say this because of how many people I know that do have babies right away, I am so glad you had the guts to go there. My husband is the love of my life, and I am NOT ready to share him. Call me selfish, what ever, selfish it is, but it would be a terrible decision to bring a baby into this world (for us) as newly weds. Our lives have only just begun.We have SO much living to do before we make that kind of decision!!!

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  32. I completely agree! My MIL signed me up for a subsription to Parents Magazine and Family Magazine since we're been married for 5 years and no baby yet. I mean come on! We're allowed to have our own timeline despite the baby fever! Go girl!

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  33. You want to know baby-pressure? Try having Brazilian in-laws. We were literally told, "Don't bother coming back until you have a baby." WHAT?! Sigh.

    (We have been married 3 1/2 years and we love OUR time still. I do have baby fever and we are discussing it more and more, but we are shooting for 5 years of us... let's see if that is what God has in store, too ;) )

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  34. In that case, I think TWINS are on the horizon for you hun! Can't wait to see/read what the future holds...best of luck with your baby fever..it's an auspicious year to start!

    I’m hosting 5 days of GIVEAWAYS with 5 chances to WIN in honor of my blog’s 2year anniversary! Would love for you to stop by and check it out!

    xo-Julie
    Peace. Love. LOL!
    Haute Khuuture.com

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  35. We waited a long time before having kids and don't regret it for a second! Twins definitely run in families... my sister and I both have identical twin girls!

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  36. I agree with you completely! Seeing how we will both still be young when we get married (if it happens when we want, I'll be 22, he'll be 24) there is no way we would want a baby right away! We definitely want to be able to enjoy each other and everything that comes along with newlywed life before bringing a babe into the picture. And baby fever? Yep, there with you, too! Ha! ;)

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  37. Babies are the biggest blessing ever but I totally agree with this post, you should definitely take your time!! When me and my fiance got engaged people were already asking about a baby! Which at the time we thought was ridiculous. I'd already been told I would have little chance ever getting pregnant so we actually felt like we would just worry about making it happen when he was done with school. My fiance's in school too, for dietetics and I'm the sugar mama right now (ha!) so we were dead set against babies for a while..Turns out someone else had plans for us! I just had my baby girl and she's the best "accident" EVER! lol. It's definitely not the ideal time to have had her but we're making it work. And it'll be great for y'all whenever you have your babies but enjoy your time together for now. We're lucky to have had 6 years together before her!

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  38. I am a firm believer in being married at least a year before adding kids into the mix. I totally agree with you that you have to get to know the other person. In the case of my husband and myself - we lived together for 7 years before tying the knot. So we get each other, that being said I still want to wait until next year to try for a baby. Honestly we aren't at the right time and we'd like to be secure in our money/lifestyle etc. Surprises happen, and we know if one did we'd take it as it comes and love that baby no matter what but if we CAN plan, we will.

    P.S. I'm going to be 36 this year... and that freaks me out but I remind myself everyday that 36 isn't what it used to be. I can do this!!! ;)

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  39. oh gosh, baby fever is definitely contagious! but i agree that we need to enjoy that newlywed life!! :)
    xo TJ

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  40. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  41. I dont think it is *ever* appropriate to ask that question. It is such a personal decision. I am constantly asked, "So, when are you going to try for a girl?" by strangers and it drives me crazy! I think it is good that you and Joel discuss it and are on the same page.

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  42. I've been married for almost five years and people ALWAYS ask us when we're having kids. Oh.my.gosh. Give it up people!

    chelsandmike.blogspot.com

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  43. Micah and I will be celebrating our one year next month, and we are hounded by family, friends, strangers, on when we're going to have children. We both work with children full time. Micah works in a pediatric ICU and I work with children with severe mental and physical retardation and disabilities.

    Let me tell you... we love kids more than anything else in this world. But we don't want them. Ever. I creep on babies in public, jump at any chance to watch my friends' children for a day, and am the first in line to hold a new baby in the family.

    But I know what goes wrong and I see firsthand that we are never guaranteed a healthy child. Or any child for that matter. I will spend the majority of the rest of my life caring for these children, as will Micah. And I can't say that I would want to spend my home life doing the same. Watching these parents with the challenges, heartbreak, and often the loss of the child is more that I know I could take. In fact, we are standing by tonight, waiting for a phone call from a family friend to tell us their 7 year old son has died from a congenital heart defect after being taken off life support.

    Our decision isn't based out of fear, despite the assumptions of most. We know the pain, joy, blessings and heartbreak children can bring, and aren't really up for the challenge. We also already have committed to spending our lives caring for the children of others, and I would feel pretty awful finding childcare for our own while we watch over theirs.

    And yes, I'm selfish. I went to school for 8 years for my career choice, and want to spend my life doing that. I know that if we had children, I wouldn't want to work so that I can see them grow and develop. So the choice is ours, and ours alone. The same for you, and no one has the right to judge you for that.

    Britt
    Secondhand Magpie

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  44. Girl, I am so with you. I've always known that I didn't want children until I'm in my mid thirties. There is too much other stuff I want to accomplish and do before then, that I can't imagine having them now.
    Xo dana
    thewonderforest.com

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  45. I don't know why people expect you to start a family as soon as you're married. I mean it works for some people, especially if that has been their plan all along. For some it's a priority to start a family, but it's not for everyone. I know for me, I would want to enjoy that newlywed state without the responsibility of caring for another being as well. And if one were accidentally thrust upon me, I would still care for it and love it unconditionally, but that wouldn't be my first plan. I don't have baby fever, but I think I'm still young in that aspect. But I completely understand your not wanting to have kids anytime soon, whether it be because you're not there financially or mentally. Hahah just tell those naggers to back off already so you can live your life the way you want it and not the way they expect it.

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  46. Britt! I couldn't agree more! People are asking us how soon after the wedding we're going to have a baby and we aren't even MARRIED yet! I think you absolutely have to have time to just be married and enjoy your new spouse...I mean let's be real, once you have a baby, there's no turning back. They're there the rest of your life. Gosh, I sound like I don't want kids...I totally do, I just think you need to enjoy being married for a few years first :)

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  47. babies are definitely life changing and it has be something you and your spouse are ready for and not because others want you too! great post!

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  48. My husband is just finishing up medical school in a few weeks and I totally understand what you are talking about in your post. Last year, I totally had baby fever, but I think I caught it because 6 of my cousins were pregnant and so was my sister-in-law. We've decided to put off having kids for a few more years since he'll be starting his residency and I don't think I can handle doing it mostly on my own or having him miss out on things. I'm happy to just enjoy this fun (child-free) time in our lives right now.
    thefancypharmacist.blogspot.com

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  49. Ohohoh how much I am feeling this post. I know so well about people expecting that once you got married, a baby would pop out anytime. My husband and I have nothing against having a baby, we would love to, BUT not on the time people expect us to. We are going to be the parents so we decide hen we are ready.

    "too much breakable in the house" hahahah i love that. To be honest I got so pissed last time one former classmate was asking me about a baby like almost every time we talk, that's all she asks. I told her; "Don't ask me for a baby because I am not asking you about your travel itineraries. That might have offended her because we never talked after that, but people has to learn how to respect others life's decision. If she is stuck in making babies, it is not right to drag others into it.

    Ahh sorry I got this very long already :) Great post btw, Thanks for posting.

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  50. It's so funny that you posted the "baby fever" part. Ever since Jim and I got engaged, people really assumed that we only were because I was having a baby. No no no people, I just love the man. :) One day, babies will come. A few of them.

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  51. Hi Britt,

    Your blog is so wonderful. Sweet and girly, just my kind :)
    I totally understand your point about having babies a bit later, it took us 10 years to get one.

    Thanks for visiting my blog
    Hugs

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  52. I am amazed at those post! You are so mature and responsible. Having a baby is a huge decision that many take lightly. I think it is great that you and your husband put so much thought into when you want a family. You gave real goals and its wonderful to see you stick to them!

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  53. SO glad that you wrote this! The hubs and I feel very similarly to you on this! Yes, children may be great at some point. But nowhere in the near future! There is WAY too much we would like to do and see before that. Plus we have a four legged child that takes up enough time already, ha!

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  54. I just found your blog (super cute, by the way) and had to laugh when I saw this post. My boyfriend and I live together and get the "when are you getting married?" question pretty frequently. What drives me crazy is that after people do get married the next question is "when are you having a baby?" and after having the baby it's "when are you having baby #2?" and so on. Why does it seem like everyone is in a rush for your life???

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