Fear.

Monday, April 2, 2012



No one really tells you the boundaries on blogging and what to and not to share. I debated many times whether or not to share this sooner or even share at all.

Let's rewind to last October. I went in for an X-ray due to having pleurisy. It always takes you by surprise when you go in for one thing and find out something else. I shrugged it off and didn't even think about it much until about 2 weeks ago when I went in for an ear infection and then found out from my Doctor that I needed an MRI within the next two weeks. Again, you go in for one thing, and realize you have to tend to another. I had to be off of a certain medication to do the test so that is why it was "overlooked" for the past 6 months. My Doctor expressed concern and told me it had to be checked right away.

Still not even knowing too much about it I decided to finally google it.. Liver Adenoma. After realizing what I had, I began to feel so flustered, nauseated, sick to my stomach, and weak. Webmd had no information on it and neither did mayo clinic. All I could read was hard core facts and stories from others who had their tumor removed surgically. As I read the stories and facts I just felt numb and disconnected. I immediately texted Joel to get his med school expertise, and he calmed me down.

The good thing, is that I already know that it is benign. What the MRI will tell me is the size, whether it's pressing on any other organs, if it is a threat to my body, and whether it needs to be removed surgically.

The MRI... Was very uncomfortable. The nurse struggled with finding my veins because they were so tiny due to the fact that I was dry as bone since I couldn't have water since the night before. She stuck me many times and I've honestly never had one hurt this bad. I nearly passed out (like last time), but thankfully Joel was there to keep my head clear of those thoughts. The nurse fanned me and I was fine, thank God. I then was submerged into the machine where I felt like I was in a coffin. After holding my breath, injecting dye, holding my breath, breathing normal, holding my breath again... 35 minutes and it was finally over. The dye burned, holding my breath made me feel claustrophobic, and the IV was uncomfortable.

This all was not too bad in reality, just very uncomfortable and nerve wracking that left me in exhaustion. So now I just wait and try to move on with my life hoping for the best. I am trying not to think about it, but you know it's hard to move on when something like this is hanging over your head. So, instead, I am going to hope rather than to despair. I can't ignore that I am scared, but I refuse to let it get inside my head and take away any happiness.

If you made it to this point, thank you for reading. Thank you to the other bloggers who gave me strength to write this, you all are so wonderful!

44 comments:

  1. i am glad you shared this, britt.
    keeping you in my thoughts and we will all hope for the best for you.
    xoxo jes

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  2. I am glad you shared! I am sorry to hear of your doctor visit woes, and I can completely sympathize with you! I hate the MRI dye! I hope the results are good! Keeping ya in my prayers!

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  3. Hope everything will be alright. Thinking about you!

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  4. Thank you for sharing - I know we kind of went back and forth on Twitter earlier today. It is a little intimidating to strip yourself of the glitter and sunshine that is the positive side of life.

    The waiting is definitely hard. and it is hard to act like things are normal, like you are fine.

    Last year, I had an abnormal pap and that was so scary - getting the biopsy, seeing the number show up and then wondering if you can handle what they tell you.

    You are in my thoughts sweet girl! God is good and you are so lucky to have such an amazing partner in life. Keep your head up and thank you again for sharing what you are going through.

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  5. Well...we aren't going through anything similar, but I'm glad you shared. It helped put my woe's into perspective and I'm sure many people find comfort in this post. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just know how lucky and BLESSED you are to have a husband who is your rock...who can calm you down.

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  6. You have an amazing strength and I admire you for that. I'm 100% sure that you will be better soon. Good thing you've got your hubby by your side ;)

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  7. So glad you shared, I'll be praying for you.

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  8. Thanks for sharing...I believe the more people you share things with, the more people you have praying for you! Hang in there. You are a strong woman, Britt, and you will get through this!! Please keep us all posted.

    xo,
    Shanna

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  9. i hope everything turns out alright. at least you have some questions answered, namely that it's benign which hopefully eases your mind even just a bit. and i send you all the hope that one could possibly give <3

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  10. Good for you for sharing, you're very strong and I applaud you not letting this stand in the way of your happy, every-day life. Going to be praying for you and your hubby! God Bless ♥

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  11. I'm so glad you shared this, now we can all be sending positive vibes, thoughts and prayers your way :-)

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  12. Oh goodness girl; sounds like you've got a lot going on. Hang in there!!!!

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  13. Very glad you shared. I know that it's scary but just know the lord is control. Many thoughts & prayers coming your way.

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  14. I am so glad it is benign. I can very much relate to this post. I went for my annual last July and the nurse found some lumps on my neck, which turned out to be thyroid nodules. After Ultrasounds, needle biopsies, and a surgery, I found out I had thyroid cancer. 7 weeks after the first surgery, I had a second surgery and now I am getting ready for my radioactive iodine.

    Medical stuff is SCARY and I think our society tells us we should keep those kinds of things to ourselves, when in reality sometimes you need someone to talk to and calm you down.

    If you need someone to talk to and freak out to and calm you down, just shoot me an email. I will be MORE than happy to chat with you. :)

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  15. So proud of you for sharing! I know it is TERRIFYING to get so personal on the blog... but the amazing thing about blog land is all of the love and support we receive :)
    I am definitely, definitely praying for you sweet girl!

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! I'll definitely be praying about you.

    Allyson
    http://cupcakescandycanes.blogspot.com

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  17. Oh, Britt, I am so sorry. Big hugs and prayers for you! Hang in there...God will NEVER give you more than you can handle!
    <33

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  18. thank you for being brave, open and caring enough to share this. Not just to help others but so that others know what you are dealing with and we can be there for you. Keep us posted, I will be thinking of you and praying for you oxxo

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  19. I had exactly the same situation happen to me a couple of years ago, but the cyst was small enough that it wasn't causing any harm, and it ended up dissolving on it's own over the course of the following year. But I specifically remember that MRI being the worst!

    Stay strong and positive, sending prayers your way!

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  20. Praying for you, lovely...right this second!
    You are so bold and so strong for sharing this, Britt!

    You're wonderful! :)
    xo

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  21. thank you for sharing! I've learned by sharing some personal things through blogging that it has been really encouraging - so I hope you continue to update us. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and praying that you can wait without anxiety (I know - way easier said than done!)

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  22. you are definitely in my prayers!

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  23. I'm glad you shared. I know what you mean about not knowing boundaries. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough and brave enough to post about this. I'll be praying for you.

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  24. Having just experienced some crazy, scary medical things myself (that ended up all being OK!!), I definitely feel for you during this time. You're in my thoughts. Good for you for having the courage to share these fears. They are very valid. Hope all is good in the hood soon. :)

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  25. You know, I always worry about getting too personal, but don't you feel so much better just airing out your feelings? I will be thinking about you sweet girl! I have had MRI's in the past so I know they are NO fun, and my veins are always impossible to find in BOTH arms. Thank GOD it's benign! It could always be worse! You are such a wonderful and strong woman!

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  26. Thanks for sharing, it definitely takes courage to do so! You'll be in my thoughts!

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  27. wow that sounds scary Britt! I will be praying for you. It's never fun to find out something is "wrong".. no matter what it is.

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  28. So scary to be going through this, and scary to sharre it with the world. So thankful it is benign. I will be praying for you!

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  29. Keep hope, remember that God really is in control, and release it. I know it is hard, I suffer with a chronic illness (Crohn's) which I rarely talk about because I don't want it to define me (and praise God with the right medicine and doctors life has been really good the past few years). But I have learned that God has never failed me yet, and he is the biggest comfort.

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  30. I hope and pray that you get great news from the doctor. I will be thinking about you.

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  31. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

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  32. Oh sister, I know that's scary. Praying so hard for strength for you and your hubs and for peace for your whole family.

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  33. Definitely in my thoughts and prayers!

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  34. That is scary! You will be in my prayers!

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  35. Sending happy thoughts & prayers your way. I hope you get some good news & everything starts looking up from here!!

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  36. I am so glad you did share it ! I will keep praying for you, and for peace too...it's OK to share these things on our blog I think to an extent. because our readers appreciate our realness, they feel our humanness and they can relate.
    keep staying true to yourself...
    I have an Endure section, I don't remember if you ended up reading that on my blog or not, but I have had many health issues, and I have had to learn to endure...it can be so so tough.
    xo

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  37. I started blogging when my father was dying of liver cancer, I didn't think of it then but I know it was a way to cope, process my thoughts and a creative outlet. All i can say is you never know when someone who reads your blog might be going through something hard and your experience can help them and you in the process. Our prayers are with you x

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  38. Britt! My thoughts and prayers are with you! I know how hard it is to cope with looming fear...but you have the right idea by focusing on the positive and trying to keep a clear head! Thank goodness you have your sweet husband to hold your hand during this time. Thinking of you...if you need to talk or vent, I'm only an email away! xoxo

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  39. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this! Best of luck to you!

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  40. Wow. I can't imagine how scary that is. You are in my prayers. I love the attitude that you have about it. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but giving it all to God is the only way to go with it. Prayers!! So glad you shared!

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  41. I am def thinking and praying for you. Thank you for being so courageous in sharing this so that we can be here for you! Stay strong and remain hopeful!

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